Why you’re not enjoying sex – and how to change that

If you’re not enjoying sex as much as you used to, or you feel like you and your partner are in a rut, it can be hard to figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. Whether the stress of kids or work is getting in the way, or you just don’t feel the sparks flying anymore, here’s some of the top reasons you might not be enjoying sex – and how to combat that!


The number one reason you might be struggling to enjoy yourself, is stress. Everyone experiences stress at some point in their life, and it can be hard to push through and continue with your usual routine if you’re stuck in a rut.

The best way to deal with stress is to have a bit of time to yourself, away from any distractions. Perhaps read a book, watch your favourite romance movie, or take a bath – whatever helps you relax. Lighting a candle and having your partner give you a sensual massage before sex, is also a great way to set the mood.

Note: If you’re struggling to deal with long-term stress or anxiety on your own, it might be a good idea to consider seeing a therapist or doctor.

Pain or discomfort

It’s not uncommon for some women to experience discomfort or pain during sex – and obviously, this isn’t very enjoyable. There are many reasons you might not be producing enough natural lubrication, and this can cause a lot of friction during penetration. If you’re experiencing any sort of discomfort or anything getting in the way of your pleasure, using a liberal amount of lubricant can help things glide more smoothly, and generally enhance pleasure for you and your partner.

Note: If you have any other concerns about pain during sex, consult your doctor.


If you and your partner are lacking in the communication department, then you might not be enjoying sex as much as you could be. Lack of communication can result in dissatisfaction, as you likely won’t know what your partner likes and dislikes, and vice versa.

It might seem like a daunting topic to bring up, but it’s likely your partner feels the exact same way. Take a step in the right direction and remind them that you’re only bringing it up because you want to make sure you’re both enjoying yourselves as much as possible.

Low sex drive

It’s totally normal for your sex drive to change over time, so if you’re not interested in sex as much as you used to be, don’t worry. You might find that your sex drives goes up and down depending on what you have going on in your life, the change of seasons, or just your general mood and health. If there’s no immediate reason you might be experiencing this, then it’s a good idea to be open and honest with your partner and let them know how you’re feeling, so they don’t feel like you are completely ignoring them in bed!

However, it’s also important to note that some medications or birth control can affect libido. If you’ve recently started taking something, or are on a new form of birth control or medication, it could be a good idea to check with your doctor if you’ve experienced a dramatic change.


If sex is a planned part of your weekly routine, then that’s great. However, don’t let it become a chore. While some might enjoy the routine and comfort of scheduling sex, this could be a contributing factor to why you’re not enjoying yourself. Why not switch things up a bit? Sacrifice an extra half hour of sleep in the morning and start your day off right, or try out some new moves. Experimenting with something a little different is the best way to find out what you both enjoy.

If you haven’t introduced sex toys into your relationship, this is also an easy way to spice things up! Opt for a fun couple’s toy that will enhance sex with minimal effort.

Making a few small changes to your life might be just the thing you need to increase your pleasure.

This article was written by Georgia May, sex toy expert, at Adulttoymegastore.co.nz.

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  1. dawnblyth 06/01/2019 at 10:32 pm

    Sex is still quite often a taboo subject that people find hard to talk about or ask for help even with a gp. Getting info out there like this article will help those in this situation to know its OK to ask for help

  2. Bevik1971 06/01/2019 at 4:02 pm

    This article hits home for me unfortunately, I’m 47 and about to get my first hip replacement on the 24th of Jan. I’ve been living with hip dysplasia my whole life (diagnosed 11 years ago). So our sex life has definitely suffered 😒. I also dont sleep well and have a high stress job, so it’s quite difficult to ha e much of a sex drive haha

  3. Shelz69 06/01/2019 at 1:20 pm

    It is certainly a difficult one, especially if the person doesn’t care about it being an issue for you. Its hard when it is once sided and the other partner is not prepared to communicate or compromise or see as it as an issue to be worked on. It can certainly have an effect on the relationship.

  4. Alezandra 05/01/2019 at 10:57 pm

    We need to watch out for low sex drive if there are any health concerns or issues too. Communication is always key. Having kids afoot is hard to get excited so scheduling seems to be more realistic at times.

  5. Shorrty4life1 03/01/2019 at 6:22 pm

    This is a great read. Very interesting that stress can effect your sex life.

  6. kymmage 31/12/2018 at 2:04 pm

    Stress for me is one of the worst things for taking the joy out of anything in my life. If I’m stressed and anxious I don’t really think about fun stuff at all. So it’s something I have to work hard to remember.

  7. Micht 21/12/2018 at 7:21 pm

    I think this is such a relevant and real issue for mums.. i myself have had discomfort and it did make things a bit more uncomfortable but thankfully i was able to talk to my hubby about it and it definitely made a difference in how sensitive he is to my feelings and checking on me.. sometimes i think it can be a scary thing to share..but i think that its actually brought us closer as he understands me in this area better too…

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