Author: Julie Lankow

Your ex partner and you can have a good relationship after separation and divorce. Dr Justin Coulson offers advice on creating a ‘parenting’ relationship.

‘We’re still going to be friends after all of this. We have to be, for the sake of the kids.’

Michelle used the well-worn cliche as she discussed her impending divorce with friends. Sadly, being friends is an optimistic idea that rarely works in practice. It is ironic that the person you will be forced to share the most important decisions with in relation to your children will be the person you find impossible to get along with. Co-parenting means putting your love and care for your children above your frustration and resentment with your ex.

The following list of ideas can help you to work together with your ex to give your children the best possible conditions in difficult circumstances.

How to treat your ex-partner

• Treat co-parenting like a business venture. You wouldn’t yell at a client. You wouldn’t denigrate your clients, talk about them behind their back to other stakeholders, or ring them at all hours. Show the same restraint in regards to your ex.
• Kill your ex with kindness. Do it for the kids. It’s best for them, and for your relationships, and for you.
• Make it easy for your children to love both of you by showing a genuine positive interest in what they do with their other parent. Tell them you hope they’ll have a great time at mum’s/dad’s. It reduces the emotional distress and internal conflict the child feels at departure. And it lessens the need children might feel to be loyal to one parent over the other.

Create a co-parenting plan

Sit down together and create a general parenting plan. Again, treat it like a business plan, and a business transaction. Think about things like schedules, agreement on friends, rules, etc. Keep it as your parenting template – but remember to be flexible. Then, maintain the routine in both houses. Work out how things should work, and communicate the right way:

• Use a book to write things down. It is much harder to forget things, mix things up, or get upset with each other when everything is in writing.
• Communicate on just one or two issues at a time to keep communication lines open and simple. It reduces confusion. It’s not always practical, but it is generally the most helpful way to deal with things.
• Don’t use your kids to pass on messages. Use the communication book, SMS, email, etc. It may be a simple matter like rescheduling a pick-up or drop-off, but if it upsets your ex (perhaps due to inconvenience) then your child will feel responsible.

Access visits

For a lot of families, mum will become the primary carer of the children. But the other caregiver should remain involved:

• For younger children, shorter more frequent visits with dad are best. If your child is under the age of two then every effort should be made for daily contact with both parents.
• I discourage sleepovers until the child is three years old. It’s confusing for the child and can cause real separation anxiety. It can also harm the attachment between the main caregiving parent and the child. For children under two it is generally too distressing to even consider sleep-overs (although some children will cope).
• If your child is upset at visiting his other parent, that should be acknowledged. In most cases, though, the visits are important (except in cases of aggression, abuse and violence). However, the contact should be in a way that you can all feel good about. For example, Mat would visit his ex-wife’s home every night on his way home from work. He would read their four children a story and help with their bath. On some occasions he stayed for a meal as well, so he could tuck the children into bed. When Mat re-partnered, his visits became more sporadic, but enough time had elapsed and enough relationship building had occurred that he was able to have his children come over to his home for sleepovers. When Mat’s ex-wife re-partnered, the visits stopped due to tension, but other flexible arrangements were worked out. Mat explained to his kids, ‘Now that Mummy’s married to Richie, it’s better if I don’t come in.’ When asked ‘Why’, he simply responded that it’s ‘Mummy and Richie’s house now, and it’s better if I don’t come in.’

Manipulative kids

• Some children work out that they can play mum and dad off one another. ‘Dad let’s me do that all the time though, Mum. ‘In that instance, simply saying ‘I’ll talk with your Dad about it and we’ll make a decision. Then I’ll let you know. In the meantime, you follow our rules.’
• In some homes things will be done differently. Acknowledge that there’s not really any right and wrong on most issues, and it’s just ‘different.’

Working with your ex will be one of the more challenging aspects of your life for some time after you have separated from your spouse. Your ability to treat your ex partner with respect and kindness, consider your parenting together as a business venture, and communicate kindly with one another can make an enormous difference in your own lives, and more importantly, in the lives of your children.

This article was written by Dr Justin Coulson for Kidpsot.com.au and has been adapted for Kidspot.co.nz

If you’re separated from your child’s other parent, what advice can you offer on making it work?

See more:

• How to tell the kids that you’re separating
• Helping kids cope with change
• At what age can your child decide who to live with?

Deciding to separate from your partner is never easy. But when you are a family, figuring out how to break it to the kids and explain separation and divorce can be a struggle for many couples.

Mike and Julie had been married for nearly ten years when they decided that their relationship was beyond saving. After trying marriage counselling, they both agreed that the challenges they faced were simply too great. They made a mutual decision to end their marriage. While the marriage dissolution was primarily related to the behaviour and attitude of only one of them, they went to their children with a simple story to explain what would be happening to their family.

Mike and Julie told their three children, aged 3, 5, and 8, that they would all still be a family, but that families don’t always live together. They said, ‘We loved each other very much in the beginning and wanted to make our family always be together. But we were wrong. We’ve made some mistakes and haven’t treated each other the right way. We’re going to live in different houses for a little while, and maybe if things don’t get better we’ll always live in different houses. If we do this, we think we will like each other better. And we think we’ll be better parents because then you won’t always have to hear us arguing with each other.’

Do we have to tell our children about separation?

Children need to be told that their parents are separating. There are some ways of explaining this to your children that are better than others. Many parents choose not to tell their children at all. In one study, it was found that 80 percent of preschool kids were not told that their parents were separating. They just woke up one morning and their parents had split. Children who are exposed to such a devastating experience are sure to be deeply traumatised. A parent’s marriage dissolution is traumatic enough in supportive circumstances.

Separation stories are like onions

You may have watched the movie, Shrek. In one scene, Shrek is explaining to his travelling companion, Donkey, that ogres (like Shrek) are like an onion, with multiple layers. Separation and divorce stories are also like onions. There are many layers to them. When we provide information to our children, we need to invoke the onion principle. We avoid revealing the inner layers. We just give them the outer layer, keep it simple, and keep it centred on the basic, objective facts.

We should keep our discussions future focussed. In Mike and Julie’s case, they did not apportion blame. They did not focus on the past, or on the transgressions of either parent. They briefly acknowledged mutual mistakes, and then described their futures in ‘different houses’, and described how they felt it might make things better.

Research shows that the more exposure the children get to the separation issues, the worse it is for children. When we involve them in our torrid, angst-riven, personal affairs we undermine our relationships with them and with their other parent. We also harm their ability to function well. It seems that the less we expose our children to all of the details of our relationship breakdown, the better they do.

Don’t point the finger of blame

Regardless of who is to ‘blame’ for the relationship, we should avoid, at all costs, pointing fingers of blame at anyone, particularly in front of the children. Children are likely to believe they are responsible for your break-up, particularly before the age of eight. It is important that children receive consistent and sincere reassurance that it has nothing to do with them, and that the dissolution of the relationship is about mummy and daddy.

Don’t ask your kids to choose

Parents often involve their children in the decisions related to a separation. This is not necessarily a good thing. First, asking children about these issues can put them into the awful position of having to choose sides. Turning your parenting into a popularity contest is harmful to your child. Second, we need to make the decisions according to the best interests of our children, and often they don’t know enough to be able to make decisions in their own best interests. Instead, children should be involved (at a basic level) with an understanding of what you have decided and why. If they are old enough, you may find it helpful to understand how they feel about that, but asking them to make decisions is not usually in their interests, nor is it healthy for them.

The do’s and don’ts of talking to your kids about your separation

When you do tell your children that your relationship is irreconcilable, remember:

Don’t lie

Lying will undermine your children’s trust in you. At such a difficult time, your children need to rely on your honesty more than ever, but don’t overshare. It’s a fine line.

Don’t tell them secrets

When you share things with your children in confidence (asking that their other parent be kept in the dark), your child will start feeling conflicted about loyalty.

Don’t be negative

Negativity will undermine your relationships with your children and your ex-partner. Negativity also increases the need for children to be secretive. Negativity will hurt how your child feels about herself and your family more generally, with broader negative effects in her life.

Don’t blame

Blaming your ex is unhelpful for your child’s relationships with you and with your ex. Your child may feel that when you are talking to others you might also blame her for the breakup. Similarly, saying things like, ‘We’d be a family still if he’d come back’ puts children into an awkward position, making her question her loyalty to their other parent, and fosters resentment.

Don’t beg

Don’t use the kids as a tool to accomplish your ends. For example, “Please tell Daddy to come home.”

Do

• Make it easy for your kids to love both parents
• Tell the truth
• Keep it simple
• Be civil
• Assure your children that it has nothing to do with them
• Remain future focused

This article was written by Dr Justin Coulson for Kidspot.com.au and has been adapted for Kidspot.co.nz

Share your experience of explaining to kids about separation and divorce.

See more:

• Helping kids cope with change
• Have a good relationship with your ex for the sake of the kids
• At what age can kids decide who to live with?